Do you hear that? That deafening silence? A silence that reminds me that there are so many people who are walking around with broken spirits right now.
Friends, do you know what it is like to wake up in the morning and wish you didn’t have breath in your lungs? To go through the day hoping that maybe a car will run a red light and hit you? Have you felt so heavy and so meaningless and wandered through life with such an emptiness that time feels nearly unbearable? But then suddenly have your emotions drastically change and you feel higher on life than ever before? That feeling that you can unrealistically take on the world? I start a crazy diet. I go on a bunch of dates with men I meet on apps. I consume an ungodly amount of alcohol. I get really plugged into my church and I reach out to all my friends. I decide to dive headfirst into __________ activity. There is an annoying imbalance within me that constantly messes with my mind. There is never time for rest. Never a moment of peace. My insides are always stirring. I wish I could get off of this never ending roller coaster.
Drinking has become a consistent problem for me again. I used to just binge drink, but now, I’ve found myself seeking a constant numbing. Numbing from myself and my own thoughts, however dark they may be. I’ll go through phases where I seem to be doing great. You could look at my life and think, “Yeah, her life is going really well.” And maybe it is right then. But lately, more often than not, that emptiness overpowers me. I feel so lost. I don’t know who I am anymore. I wish I had vision, I wish I had hope, but I don’t. Everything I thought I was has seemed to get lost in what we call life. My addictions to men and alcohol have been running the show, and my inability to believe that I have worth is a painful way to live.
So on Tuesday April 3rd, I will be heading to a treatment facility called Pine Grove, located in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. I will be in a three month program where I will focus on my battles with both my addictions and mental health. I realized that this is the next step I have to take in my life. I want to want to love life, I’m just not there right now. But I’ll get there. Right? I want to want to live a healthy life, so I’m finally taking the suggestions of my therapists and doing what I probably needed to do months ago. It would be easy for me to feel like a failure for returning to treatment a second year in a row, but if there is one thing I do believe, it’s that returning to treatment doesn’t make me a failure, it makes me a fighter.
I share my heart because I know there are others who wake up in utter depression. There are others who can’t seem to find hope, and everyone struggles with some type of addiction, whether it be drugs, or sex, or food, social media, your phone, you name it. Addiction isn’t fun. Addiction isn’t healthy. It sucks being controlled by something…feeling the compulsive urge to act out in such a way that you know might only make you feel worse once you do. So I hope that my vulnerability will touch even just one person.
I don’t believe I will have an access to my phone or internet for the three months that I am away, so I’m about to go MIA for a while. Please pray for me on this continued journey of recovery. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Pray that my desire for the Lord is returns and that that Psalm 51:12 becomes true in my life- “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”
**I would love your support and encouragement through happy mail though! You can write me at: Women’s Center//3875 Veterans Memorial Drive//Hattiesburg, MS 39401