I’m overwhelmed. And I hate that I’m overwhelmed because didn’t I just get what I wanted? Didn’t I just move to Nashville- MY CITY? Yet tonight I sit here with a weary heart, as tiny things have piled on top of each other. It seems like one little thing after another keeps happening- and as isolated events- no big deal. But right now I’m missing that house I lived in, in Jackson, Mississippi with my best friend. I miss the simplicity. The slower pace. I miss being able to crawl into bed with Katie at night and vent about the day, or talk about the most ridiculous things. I miss watching our dogs play and all of the kisses and snuggles her dog, Cleo, would regularly and excessively give me.
Tonight a drink sounds great. And it’s not like I’m considering actually getting a drink-but numbing out does sound appealing. I just finished writing out a “gratitude list” so that I could take some time to focus on all that I am blessed with right now. It was a long list. I have a lot to be thankful for. The year 2020 is filled with a lot of excitement and promise for me, and I can’t wait to see what God does. Right now though I’m clinging to the verse Psalm 61:2- “When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”
Because while I was busy being so excited about the changes that were going to be happening in my life due to this big move, I think I was depending on this change to fill me in a way that only Christ can. I was putting too much stock in environment and not enough roots in depending and relying wholly on the Lord. And now all these little things are happening and I find myself completely overwhelmed at 7:30pm on a Friday night. I’ve been finding it far too easy to find the negative in situations this week- but I think that’s the self-destructive nature within me trying to take over. Lies have been feeding my mind. I’ve wanted to run. I’ve wanted to throw in the towel.
But I haven’t.
Because I know God brought me here, and when I’m overwhelmed, it isn’t because God isn’t present-it’s because I was relying on something other than Christ to fulfill me. I don’t even want to be typing these words right now, because once I call myself out-change must follow.
On the outside, everything looks great.
On the inside, my soul feels like it’s been wrung out one too many times.
And that’s okay.
As I often say, I’d like to hide under a rock right now. But instead, I’m going to ask God to lead me to the rock that’s higher than I am. And then I’m going to follow Him to that rock and climb up on it.