I’m overwhelmed. And I hate that I’m overwhelmed because didn’t I just get what I wanted? Didn’t I just move to Nashville- MY CITY? Yet tonight I sit here with a weary heart, as tiny things have piled on top of each other. It seems like one little thing after another keeps happening- and as isolated events- no big deal. But right now I’m missing that house I lived in, in Jackson, Mississippi with my best friend. I miss the simplicity. The slower pace. I miss being able to crawl into bed with Katie at night and vent about the day, or talk about the most ridiculous things. I miss watching our dogs play and all of the kisses and snuggles her dog, Cleo, would regularly and excessively give me.
Tonight a drink sounds great. And it’s not like I’m considering actually getting a drink-but numbing out does sound appealing. I just finished writing out a “gratitude list” so that I could take some time to focus on all that I am blessed with right now. It was a long list. I have a lot to be thankful for. The year 2020 is filled with a lot of excitement and promise for me, and I can’t wait to see what God does. Right now though I’m clinging to the verse Psalm 61:2- “When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”
Because while I was busy being so excited about the changes that were going to be happening in my life due to this big move, I think I was depending on this change to fill me in a way that only Christ can. I was putting too much stock in environment and not enough roots in depending and relying wholly on the Lord. And now all these little things are happening and I find myself completely overwhelmed at 7:30pm on a Friday night. I’ve been finding it far too easy to find the negative in situations this week- but I think that’s the self-destructive nature within me trying to take over. Lies have been feeding my mind. I’ve wanted to run. I’ve wanted to throw in the towel.
But I haven’t.
Because I know God brought me here, and when I’m overwhelmed, it isn’t because God isn’t present-it’s because I was relying on something other than Christ to fulfill me. I don’t even want to be typing these words right now, because once I call myself out-change must follow.
On the outside, everything looks great.
On the inside, my soul feels like it’s been wrung out one too many times.
And that’s okay.
As I often say, I’d like to hide under a rock right now. But instead, I’m going to ask God to lead me to the rock that’s higher than I am. And then I’m going to follow Him to that rock and climb up on it.
This is beautiful, I love and and I miss you. But you can do this, just because you got a dream doesn’t always mean you will be fulfilled without your HP. Remember to stay involved in recovery and involved with your current environment. Ill always be here and so will Cleo. We are a part of your present even though we aren’t physically. You are my best friend and I love the strong, capable, independent woman you have become. Please keep growing your inner strength, your potential is limitless.
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Beautifully written as always. What a great verse to lean on, Amy.
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Another good post Amy. I like this – I’m going to ask God to lead me to the rock that’s higher than I am. And then I’m going to follow Him to that rock and climb up on it.